neither slumber nor sleep

I'm in a weird rut of completely defying my usual bedtime.

nope. not gonna sleep. don't wanna.

Why? No clue. I'm exhausted, so plain ol' insomnia is not the issue. There are no monsters under the bed, mostly because my mattress sits directly on the ground; very Skid Row chic, fall collection. Neighbors are quiet. Temperature is tolerable. All signs point to slumber.

And yet here I am, a perfect candidate for a montage sequence that shows time creeping from 11:00 to 12:00 to 1:00 as I play poker against the computer and listen to a decidedly melancholy playlist made just for such occasions. Set against a moderately cheesy cover of an eighties power ballad, you'd see rough cuts of me going from window to bed to kitchen back to bed. Very lost soul. Very brooding.

Everything was accurate until the getting out of bed part. Clearly I'm too lazy for that. And I'm not really all up in my thoughts either. But you get the idea.

I'm up. And I don't actually want to be up, not one bit, but here I am looking on Facebook at people so far removed from my actual friends they may as well be the random faces that come in picture frames. Normally I'd just deal with it the American way, you know, take half a prescription pill from someone else's knee surgery and call it a night, but alas the chemical river runneth dry.

Honesty moment? I am the poster child of apathy this week. Don't care, don't care about getting out of bed, don't care about getting in bed, and not feeling real motivated about anything in between. And in my opinion, the only thing worse than caring too much is not caring at all, so I'm disappointed in myself but of course don't really care enough to make a change.

See: vicious cycle.

Hopefully it'll all blow over soon, because life being this constant shade of don't-give-a-shit is far from enjoyable. That and I'm so horrifically bad at poker I only have a 17% win rate over the computer. Some weeks you just can't get ahead....poker, sleep, motivation, take your pick, the best you can do is stay in the game long enough for things to turn in your favor.


Also, take note of the title...quite possibly the only time you will encounter me knowing anything from the Bible. Psalm reference, for the win.


-J