check it twice

THE holiday list. Try it...you just might like it.


READ - "SantaLand Diaries" by David Sedaris
Really you should read the whole collection of holiday-themed short stories, but this is the crown jewel. Few things make me laugh out loud, but no matter how many times I read his account of working at Macy's Santaland I still end up in stitches. Good shit.

LISTEN - "River" by Robert Downey Jr.
Didn't know Iron Man / Sherlock Holmes had a Christmas song, did you? A bit on the mellow / depressing side if you acknowledge lyrics, but a great way to shake up the holiday tunage if you get tired of hearing Josh Groban. Which is not only plausible but absolutely certain to happen.

DRINK - Delirium Noel (beer) or Rumple Minze (shnapps)
Noel is the festive offshoot of the Belgian Delirium Tremens brewery, and Rumple Minze is the kick-ass (real) German version of peppermint schnapps. Use liberally to make yourself or others more tolerable while still feeling festive. Also, even though there are usually ample opportunities to get poo-faced, remember most of them happen in the proximity of your family or co-workers. Leave the beer bong in the closet and be aware that just because it's Baby Jesus' party, it doesn't give you the right to act like an asshole.

WATCH - "Love Actually" or "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation"
In the former, watch the scene where he holds up signs in place of caroling if you're down for a good cry; in the latter, watch the scene with the squirrel in the tree if you're in need of a good laugh. Both are classics.

WEAR - something subtle and erring on the side of dressy
The holidays are garish enough without you adding to the visual massacre. Anything with Santa's face on it is a no-no and if caught will result in the end of our friendship.

VISIT - a neighborhood advertised for its lights
Every city has one. If you live in the bottom half of Amerrikuh, put on a festive hat, pour some of the aforementioned spirits in your cocoa, and walk. It's better up close and makes you feel wintery. If you live in the top snowy cold as a witches tittie part of the country, for the love of god stay in the car, but load up all the seats and make an outing of it. It's festive and simple, and lazy individuals like me can enjoy the displays without actually having to do anything.

GIVE - what you can, if you want
If someone expects a gift, fuck them. You can show appreciation for someone without a box and bows. Don't have a meltdown or take out a loan over gifts. Be thoughtful, be reasonable, and no matter what anyone says, giftcards mean you don't care enough to try. Fact.

BE - laid back
This time of year freaks everyone out. Plane delays, check-out lines, shipping failures, food disasters, relatives and their respective disorders, money, the usual year-round assholes....it's enough to seriously consider grinding up a Xanax in the nog and wake up around President's Day. Don't give in. Be pleasant and cut everyone, including yourself, a little slack.


That's my list. Not my gift list, obviously. That includes a trip to Europe and Ryan Reynolds holding chocolate peanut butter ice cream.

Don't judge, Everyone is allowed a Christmas dream.

-JH