wonders never cease

Here are some things I don't understand. If you have any insight, by all means share with the class:

Ashley Madison
Have you heard of this? The online "agency" that helps initiate extramarital affairs? Their site motto is "Life is short. Have an affair." This intrigues me. Obviously I don't have the moral marriage-is-sacred hang-up; I'm all for fucking early and often with whoever pulls your trigger. I believe cheating is like love in that it is defined within one's own mind; there's no hard and fast set of standards. I just get hung up on the sheer blatancy of this site. Can you imagine being the partner that finds that in the ol' browser history? It's like finding a Google search on how to hide a body....if you don't connect the dots, you deserve what's coming. Almost 2010, and we can't even manage infidelity the old-fashioned way anymore.....perplexing.

Folgers Coffee
OK, this one drives me insane. At my Ralph's store, they keep the Folgers Instant Coffee locked up in the front of the store with the Skoal and Virginia Slims and other things the lower echelon of Hollywood craves. WHY? There has to be some illicit use of which I'm unaware, like how they guard the cold meds so we all don't whip up a fresh batch of meth in the tub. I'm convinced there is a dark sinister use for those caffeinated crystals, and I won't rest till I know what it is.

Straight Girls in Clubs
After my outing into stereotypical Hollywood club-land last night, I offer this friendly reminder to the young lass that opted against panties in December: no one buys a cow if it looks like a big slutty whoreface. Or something like that. Bottom line, I accidentally saw her vagina. More aptly put, I was visually accosted by her frightening impostor of a vagina, which I can only hope survived a nuclear explosion as an explanation for its deformity. Maybe it was cursed. I don't know. But goddamn. First off, have a modicum of self-respect before you throw your legs open in the direction of unsuspecting homos. Second, if your poor puss looks like it's been whittled out of oak, best to save that surprise for the bedroom lest you frighten away potential suitors. I'm as down to do naughty things with a stranger as anyone, but desperate doesn't begin to explain this chick. Baffling.

Weather in LA
God forbid it ever snow here. I predict people would eat their groceries, their pets, each other, and then die of starvation before attempting a trip to the store. It rains here and people act like they're personally being punished. Anything remotely close to the realities of the outside sends this town into a tailspin. Portland in 12 days. Can't. Wait. To. Escape.

I guess that's all for now. Answers and explanations welcome.

Happy Friday Friends -


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