the fourth wall

Excerpt from a chat with one of my more unique talent, a charming young lass who describes the following in a manner and tone one would expect when reading a grocery list:

"Well I'm working at this place called _______, which is a high end lounge with an S&M motif. Some nights are themed and masters bring their slaves, some nights we have to act out masturbating while getting choked...it's a good gig. The other night I got beyond wasted on Jack and (A-list male celebrity deleted) stuck his camera all up in my crotch while I was on stage, but I was too tanked to care. That night I was only wearing red tape on my nipples and red fishnets. I just like it better than Vegas, performing out there gets monotonous."

Monotonous. The woman standing there brought us a plate of homemade rice krispy treats, and later tonight will mimic fetish sex on stage for the pleasure of the wealthy elite.


I would give anything to see her resume.

wonders never cease

Here are some things I don't understand. If you have any insight, by all means share with the class:


Ashley Madison
Have you heard of this? The online "agency" that helps initiate extramarital affairs? Their site motto is "Life is short. Have an affair." This intrigues me. Obviously I don't have the moral marriage-is-sacred hang-up; I'm all for fucking early and often with whoever pulls your trigger. I believe cheating is like love in that it is defined within one's own mind; there's no hard and fast set of standards. I just get hung up on the sheer blatancy of this site. Can you imagine being the partner that finds that in the ol' browser history? It's like finding a Google search on how to hide a body....if you don't connect the dots, you deserve what's coming. Almost 2010, and we can't even manage infidelity the old-fashioned way anymore.....perplexing.

Folgers Coffee
OK, this one drives me insane. At my Ralph's store, they keep the Folgers Instant Coffee locked up in the front of the store with the Skoal and Virginia Slims and other things the lower echelon of Hollywood craves. WHY? There has to be some illicit use of which I'm unaware, like how they guard the cold meds so we all don't whip up a fresh batch of meth in the tub. I'm convinced there is a dark sinister use for those caffeinated crystals, and I won't rest till I know what it is.


Straight Girls in Clubs
After my outing into stereotypical Hollywood club-land last night, I offer this friendly reminder to the young lass that opted against panties in December: no one buys a cow if it looks like a big slutty whoreface. Or something like that. Bottom line, I accidentally saw her vagina. More aptly put, I was visually accosted by her frightening impostor of a vagina, which I can only hope survived a nuclear explosion as an explanation for its deformity. Maybe it was cursed. I don't know. But goddamn. First off, have a modicum of self-respect before you throw your legs open in the direction of unsuspecting homos. Second, if your poor puss looks like it's been whittled out of oak, best to save that surprise for the bedroom lest you frighten away potential suitors. I'm as down to do naughty things with a stranger as anyone, but desperate doesn't begin to explain this chick. Baffling.

Weather in LA
God forbid it ever snow here. I predict people would eat their groceries, their pets, each other, and then die of starvation before attempting a trip to the store. It rains here and people act like they're personally being punished. Anything remotely close to the realities of the outside sends this town into a tailspin. Portland in 12 days. Can't. Wait. To. Escape.


I guess that's all for now. Answers and explanations welcome.

Happy Friday Friends -

JH

extra onions, hold the sass

I might have to curtail my semi-weekly trips to Subway. In theory it's good for lowering my fat intake, but I'm not sure my blood pressure can handle it.


I love the house-that-Jared-built as much as the next guy, but interacting with the other $5 footlong fans about does me in. Subway's whole catch is building a sandwich the way you like it. I get that. No olives? Sure! Extra lettuce? Knock yourself out! But some people take this freedom of choice to a whole new level, and it takes every calming thought I can muster to keep me from activating Beast Mode all over their whiny, demanding asses.

Hulk....SMAAAAAASH

Some recent examples of lunacy, and I swear to the virgin mary in a sticky bun these are true:

- A woman today got into a heated debate on whether or not wanting another cheese slice constitutes "extra", as in she'd have to pay the additional .30 for her provolone. One cheese slice. Thirty cents. People that argue anything under a dollar should be beaten with blunt objects and sterilized on the spot. Fact.

-Also today, a guy asked if the woman making the sandwich could spread out the pickles more evenly. There were six people behind him in line, including the Great Cheese Battle of '09. Seriously? And yes, I can check myself and admit it probably took her an additional ten seconds to reorganize his pickle situation, but it's not about me. I had nothing but time. It's the principle of the matter. Really sir? REALLY? If you're that OCD / fussy, do us all a favor and stay home. You can get out the jar of pickles and a ruler and blow your anal-retentive wad all over your sandwich. But don't be the Demanding Douche of Petty Town in public. It's unbecoming.

-Those two space-wasters are nothing compared to my favorite guy from last week though. He had that sort of older, pompous, part-time professor look about him that screams self-importance.

I don't even know who this is. Prime example though, yes?

He stood at the register and asked Maria (yes, I know their names) to explain the price points of the menu, i.e. how each item breaks down cost-wise in relation to everything else. And was appalled, just appalled, when the minimum wage sandwich stuffer couldn't succinctly describe the economic strategies of the company.

Now I don't speak much Spanish, and Maria doesn't speak much English, but there is a universal expression understood worldwide that screams:


Ugh. It only gets to me because of the years I've spent on the other side of the counter. It takes so little to be a good customer, and in turn a good person. Smile. Say please and thank you. Be attentive and follow directions. Maria and Connie and Luz, they're people too, and because I treat them like humans we've become friends. Even though you might feel the urge to get huffy and demeaning because you're older/whiter/richer/smarter, whatever, just remember that service employees are humans, not droids. They feel happy, and sad, and most importantly, they all understand how to fuck with what goes in your mouth in ways you can't even begin to comprehend.


So as Burger King used to say....have it your way. But don't shit on the hand that feeds you.