just don't

Rant nuggets, now 100% white meat:

-Do not assume that because you are Sally Sunshine at 6am that everyone else is too. I apologize, overly-exuberant middle aged couple, but I do not have a life boner over being at the Sacramento airport before dawn.

-Do not lose your shit at work. This is a big one, and I came dangerously close to violating my own rules on Friday. Instead, step outside, smoke the hell out of a Parliament, do your work, and get the fuck out. Then, by all means, lose your shit. But until you're a safe distance away, never let 'em see you cry.

-Do not make excuses. I for one smell that stink a mile away. Make an informed decision, stand by it, and if you were wrong, own up. I'm starting to think the entire world needs to grow a pair.

-Do not say there isn't time. There's always time if you make something a priority.

-Do not put so much as a Hershey's fucking Kiss in front of me, because I am officially pudgy. Balls.

- Do not forget to be thankful. Not just this week, every goddamn day. Fo' real.


WHEW.
That feels good.
Something more positive in the near future, promise.


Can I get a "hellz yes" for the short week?

-J

if I had hair, I'd whip it

New green sweater = swag on.

goodnight moon

you don't have to be alone to be lonely.

survey says

OK, fine. I belong to a dating site. I don't pay for it, and I'm rarely on it after three lackluster blind dates. But seeing as how I'm currently in the sauce and most definitely ovulating, I took a damned "what kind of person are you" survey. And as much as I want to mock this, holy balls. Talk about on the money:

Lusty but indirect. Kind, but also using friendship as a means to sex. Oh, that feels gooood. You are The Backrubber.

We call you “The Backrubber” because you straddle that fine line between coming on to someone and just treating him nicely. Backrubs are just one example; you’d meet for coffee, or talk about books/movies, or even argue a little bit, all the while mostly preferring to screw.

Your indirect approach is not some evil trickery, but rather a result of your open mind. You’d enjoy either love or sex, but the latter definitely doesn’t require the former. While you are responsible and ambitious, you absolutely DON’T have uptight views on relationships. So ultimately, you just enjoy a man, and let things take their course. If he wants you, great. If not, that’s fine too.

Though you’re not thinking too much about Love at this point in your life, odds are, when the time comes, you’ll be very happy settling down. Your ideal mate is gentle and horny, just like you.

So screw me. Or don't. I'm fine either way.

-J

puppy love

I've found the love of my life, and his name is Mr. Bojangles :



I had to do the awkward two-handed grip because at twelve weeks he's already a beast. But I do love me a fatty. WANT WANT WANT.

days like today, in fact

Seriously though. I don't don the tiara for just anyone.

And this concludes today's rant.

hallmark my words

I bought this greeting card today:


If you had ketchup packets in your glove box I'd have french fries on my floorboard. If you had an "I'm with Stupid" t-shirt, I'd have a pro wrestling hat. If you shouted "Yahtzee" at climax, I'd shout "Bingo." If you produced a television show called "America's Funniest Animal Attacks," I'd suddenly get mauled by a panda. What I'm trying to get at here is that somehow, someway, you and I just seem to be made for each other.


I'm going to tuck it away for now, but I think it was a solid purchase. Hopefully one day the Yahtzee to my Bingo finds it as poignant as I do.